It's officially been a year since my (ex) husband told me he wanted a divorce. (He'd change his mind, yo-yo my emotions for a few more days, and cause all kindsa drama before I call it quits four days after that).
But his initial leaving, and his behavior towards me after that, were the best things he would ever do for my kids and I.
I don't like giving up. I'm not a quitter. I gave him more chances than I'm comfortable admitting to. I let him get away with treating me like shit more often than not. But then my inner goddess reminded me of who I am, and that I'm worth so much more than I had been allowing.
Granted, I went through a lot when he and I got together. My dad passed. College stuff. Kid stuff. Work stuff. Health scares. Etc.
So even when I knew for a fact I wasn't okay with something, I'd eat it. Because I desperately wanted something in my life to not be stressful. I wanted peace. And if it meant not rocking the boat and taking a crapload of misogynistic comments and demands, I put up with it.
But his leaving reminded me of who I was. I was incredibly sad when he left. But I know now, I was more upset by what I had allowed, and how long I had allowed it, than by losing him. He wasn't there to keep me on eggshells. And in that brief moment of quiet, I looked back on our relationship, and cringed.
I was so disappointed in myself.
And when push came to shove a few days later… for the first time with him, I didn't cave. I didn't acquiesce. I held the line.
He hadn't seen that side of me before. I hadn't seen that side of me in years.
Damn it felt good.
It's been a year now. I cannot begin to explain the lack of stress I've had with him gone. I'm not dreading what mood I'm coming home to. What demands and comments will be directed at me. Not told how I should dress, or who it was "okay" for me to be friends on Facebook with.
I also know that I won't allow myself to be treated like that ever again.
A year ago, today, this Goddess got her groove back. And man, you should see me dance.