I’ve lost a lot in life. My dad. My grandmother. Babies. Friends. Pets. Other family members. Love. Hope. Faith. Friendships. Beliefs. Respect. Innocence.
All of them hurt in their own right. All of them broke me and built me. I still wish I had most of that which I’ve lost. But I also love the person I am. I love who I’ve become because of those losses.
My soul is a litany of scars.
And there are scars from the loss of people I’ve never met. Celebrities. Authors. Soldiers. Strangers.
Those losses leave scars upon me too.
The two deepest ones of this type happened in the last 4 days. David Bowie and Alan Rickman.
I may not have known them as I know my people. But I knew them in times of loss. In times of wanting to give up. In times of wanting to give in. In times when I was searching for the will to keep fighting. I knew them at happy times. I knew them when I needed them. And they helped. Whether they meant to or not. Even though they didn’t know me. They gave me something when nobody else could do it.
And with what I’m dealing with right now, with the worry that is eating away at my mind in my every waking, and a lot of my sleeping, moments, it hurts to know they, my heroes, couldn’t beat the beast that I might be fighting too.
The world lost two amazing, creative, beautiful men. I lost two heroes.
My heart aches at what’s to come. Now every time I see them in a beloved movie, listen to a song they sang, think of a character that they will forever be to me, those things will be a reminder of the loss of them. Those things will not feel quite the same anymore. Those things will be bittersweet.
Which is how it is when you lose someone that you do know.
My world has grown more dim in the last few days. The stars though, they’ve become a bit brighter.
And as with any loss, will I miss them? Always.