She was forever waiting for him.
She knew that this wasn’t healthy. This constant catering to his needs. His desires. His wants. His dreams. Everything flowing around the world that she had made of him.
But she couldn’t help breaking herself against the rock that was he.
And breaking her it was.
The tears edged the fringe of her lashes. Thick tears, full of the pain that she feared speaking of, to him. Because every time she whispered that she needed more, he would walk away from her. And he made the leaving her part look so much easier than she felt it should be.
Leaving her adrift in a deserted world. A place where sound became hollow. Colors became drained echoes. A place where the emptiness of it all tore at the very core of her.
So her needs remained unmet. Her desires never spoken of. Her dreams dying within her mind. Because it was easier to watch herself crumble and die, than it was to hear his easily said goodbyes.
If only he could love her the way she loved him. She was willing to hand him the world. He would flinch at her asking for mere grains of sand.
But oh, he could make all of the aching inside of her seem worth it.
All it took was a touch, a smile, a quick kiss upon her cheek. His hand softly brushing a stray strand from her face. On those rare mornings when he would wake next to her, and pull her tightly into his chest, making her feel needed, wanted, desired… she would forget, for a moment, how alone she felt with him.
Time passed. She remained patient. Foolishly hopeful that one day he would see her the way she wanted him to. Like she was his air, that he could not breathe without. As if she was shelter that he could depend on in the raging storm. That her every word was poetry to his soul.
But that hope began to dim. She could feel him searching for something more. Something different. Something that she could never be for him. No matter how much she tried. No matter what she changed. She could never be what he wanted.
She started to see how he saw her. A stop over to something better. She was convenient. Safe until he found what he was really looking for. He saw nothing wrong with using her, because she offered it so willingly.
Finally the whispers escaped her again. All she wanted to be happier than she was. All that she needed to be content. That which she desired, to feel whole.
Once again, he told her that he was giving her all that he could. That she should see that. He was already compromising all that he could. And if it wasn’t enough for her, then he should probably just leave.
Because leaving me is far easier. Because my needs will always be secondary to your own. Because this is all about you and what you can give. Because this will never be about us meeting in the middle. Instead it will always be about the few crumbs you’re willing to drop on the edges of your own happiness. Because to you, those crumbs will look like loaves, far flung.
The anger of waiting so patiently. The emptiness of giving and never receiving. The pain of breaking herself over those few measly crumbs. They ripped the words out of her heart, streamed through her throat, passed her mouth, and into the air between them.
Heat flushed up her chest and into her neck, settling into burning orbs upon the apples of her cheeks. Her hands shook with the emotions of it all. Everything she had said and left unsaid tornado-ed within her mind. She regretted the words almost immediately, wishing her fingers could snatch them back from the air that separated them.
She saw the leaving in his eyes. He didn’t have to say a word. She had already said too much. She had pushed him too far, and the rock that was he, refused to budge.
She watched as his face closed down. She watched as he walked away. She could hear the ocean crashing inside her head. The ocean that was her.The waters were no longer calm, weaving around the places that he had allowed her to go. They crashed against the rock that he was. Pushed, shoved, ripped, and tore away at the unfairness of it all.
She sank to her knees as the front door slammed closed. Tears pattered against her knees. Her shoulders shook as the sobs wrenched their way out of her soul.
Through the haze of tears in her eyes, she stared at her hands. They would no longer know his touch. They would no longer try to memorize the hills and valleys of him. They would no longer reach for him.
She had patiently broken herself upon the rock of hope. And now they both were dust, settling in his wake.